Digging Myself Deeper

So they upped my meds. Shocking. Sleeping pills. More Lorazepam. Doubled the dosage of my zoloft. So shocking. Anxiety has expanded to include seasonal affective disorder has expanded to include full on depression. But that's not all folks. There's more to it. I'm not sure what yet. But I'm dying to find out the secrets locked away in my head that some shrink will unearth. Like Indiana Jones finding the Ark. So far they've been digging in the wrong place. So I just need to find the medallion and then we can get down to business.

As you can tell my rambles aren't always that coherent. I should probably explain this blog, since it was probably damn near impossible to figure out from reading. Clearly I've got a few different kinds of cray cray swirling around in the old noggin. I've been dealing with it for as long as I can remember, and right now that's actually not too far back because the meds make me forgetful. So who really knows, it could have been since Adam and Eve first bit into the snake. Oh wait it was the fruit right. Clearly I'm no vegan. But I do wonder what would have happened if they ate the snake instead. Would God still have punished them? I mean for eating something that they shouldn't have?

God punished Adam and Eve by making them leave the garden. But I think the real punishment was the knowledge that fruit gave them. How blissful it would be to be entirely unselfaware. To be free of the weight of good and evil and all the grey inbetween.

I've eaten a lot of things that I shouldn't have. Maybe this is my punishment. A certain kind of destructive self awareness. It's like all of my choices are tunnels, and I can see down every tunnel so clearly as if I was already at the end. All of the tunnels, all of the ends, all at once. The bad always outweighs the good. There's an infinite number of ways to screw something up, but only one way to do it right. So I see all these ends of tunnels that were the wrong way, and there's so many that it's overwhelming. A maze with no end. If I could just find that one tunnel that leads to the right way everything would be alright. Which is an impossible feat. And that's all just for one decision, one instant. A moment in life, blinked away. Except I stand left behind, still seeing all of the tunnels and all of the decisions, and still not seeing the right one. And it begins again. A new decision, a new series of tunnels. And on, and on.

So I stop, and be still. And if I can stop eating for long enough I can reach that level of purity and clarity that I need to find just one, just one, of the right tunnels.